Leggo!

A little background; I can't write to save my life. In fact, I despise writing. But between you & me (basically me & me), Ive always wanted to be able to. I love reading and words. This makes my plight (melodramatic much?) all the more pathetic. But that was then & this is now. What makes today & all the days following different? Well for one, I'm finally going to do something about my problem. A good friend of mine told me, "perfect practice makes perfect, so practice". That is what I intend to do.

All that being said, don't be surprised if my postings are poorly written and/or don't make sense. This is going to be doubling as a place for me to put down my thoughts so that I can process them more clearly. This means that often times what I'm writing won't even make sense to me, I'm just writing for the sake of writing. If you don't like it, don't read it. This is for me anyways.

And with that, I take my leave.. for now.

Peyton.. ~ Stay in the present

So.. I was at colts training camp today. It wasn't as exciting as I'd imagined.. they weren't playing scrimiges or playing flag ball or even running through any plays. They walked through a bunch of plays. Don't get me wrong, I love those guys & I enjoyed being close to my favorite sports team. That being said, I was dissapointed upuntil the end of practice. When all the players gathered in the center I realized that it was time to get up. I Sarah (new friend)'s camera & ran down the steps of the stadium bleachers to the railway where the players would pass after the huddle. I pushed through lots of overly energetic adults (I suppose someone may say the same about me) & made my way to the front of one of the sections along the walk way. I quickly realized that the front was occupided prodominantly by children. There parents must have realized that their children being kids have a cute factor would be more sucessful then they in the pursuit for autographs..

Dallas Clark came by & started signing autographs. I started sticking out my jersey to get signed but he didn't glance my way with all the little hands shoving things in his face. The over energetic adults I mentioned earlier started closing in & squishing all of us up front. The cute kids started turing into not so cute pancakes. In realizing this I decided to give up on Clark, take a couple pictures & then start pushing back so that the kids around me wouldn't be squashed or trampled on. When Clark left I was peeved. I know I was the one who stoped trying to get the autograph, but still. You'd think he'd spot the one person infront of him that wasn't clawing for everything he was worth. I know my logic is flawed & I probably wasn't helping the kids with the best intentions but oh well.. it happens..
Anyways..
After several minutes Manning came out. He started walking along the barrier signing autographs & the peopel behind us went 10x crazier then before. This time however I decided to hold my ground. - During the lul I had aquired a Colts poster from a gentlemen who had gotten Dallas' signiture. He said they were free & I jumped on it. I had my jersey but it was hot & I was sweaty aka It needed to be washed. - When peyton started getting closer to me a guy shoved his way infront of me. I could have pushed him out but I'm not that barbaric so I let it slide. When manning was infront of us he signed the jersey of the guy who cut me & ignored my poster! I was SO pissed. God throws good looks though. The guy was like, I got you & took my poster out of my hand & stuck it out for manning. I couldn't see what was going on but after a few minutes he brought it in & manning left. I took the poster & started walking towards the car & my peoples dejected. I was glad I went to camp but I missed TWO opportunities to get signitures from some of my favorite atheletes. To have them at arms length & get boo'd.. Let me tell you, it doesn't do wonders for the ego. When I got closer to the car I looked down at the one token I had from training camp, the poster. Low & behold it was AUTOGRAPH!!! I must have missed it him doing it & just assumed that I had failed. My mood did a quick 180 U-turn & I suddenly went from sullen to high on cloud 9. Ultimate win. =D

~

Life in general.

I can't believe school is starting up agan SO soon. Summer flew by & it was the longest one I've ever had. It's n0t just summer that's flying by though. I've been thinking about "the future".. more specifically my future & I realized something. My life is soley mine now. I know that sounds strange but hear me out. In 3 or so years I'll be graduating from college. I don't live in the dorm but that doesn't change the fact that I don't see my family . ( This year was the first family trip I've been on in a while because of an assortent of school & choir functions. ) Because of this I consider myself a pseudo-dorm resident. After I graduate college I'll be going to med school. After med school, residency, after residency (who knows how long that will take since I hae no idea.. well, little Idea what kind of Md I want to be) I'll be an attending... maybe start my own practice... WHO KNOWS! & in the midst of all that Academic Whoplah there's the wify to consider... & even... Kids of my OWN?! Know yes, a lot of what I just said is far ahead of me. But these are all legit questions for me to ponder about because everything I do now directly affects what my life will be like 10 years from now. What happened to school ending at 3:15 with an hour or two Tops of homework & infinite chilling time. I don't think it's irrisponsible to miss your old Care-free self as long as you don't lose site of the reality in which you live in.
What does all this translate into?.. Something your current self always has on your past is that you know more about yourself (hopefully), weaknesses & all. One of great flaws is that I have a tendancy to overestimate myself or rather underestimate how much I love people. The schedule I posted before.. REDICULOUS! I'm a decent students but I love people to much to shun everyone for the sake of straight A's. What did this mean I had to do.. cut back. I often overload myself unnecissarily so steping back & telling myself, hey, this is OD was a big thing for me. My current & final class schedule is G. Chem, FB, Materialism, Scripture & the homestudy calc. Letting go of Genetics & medical terminology made it possible for me to have an assemblance of a social life & gave me more possible time for my other classes. Back in the day (like last school year) I never would have stopped & reasoned with myself but I'm realizing that part of growing up & sucessfully achiving your goals is growing from all the crap you put yourself through.
How does this all tie together. Our lives go by So fast which makes every moment we have on this earth a crutial one. Continual growth is necissary if one is to survive but growth doesn't replace enjoyment. Sometimes you need to allow yourself some leway to do something you love even if it costs you later. SO, all my worrying about my future is warrented but I shouldn't let that over shadow the process of actually walking through life.
~
Key - Stay in the present.

fyi, the metric system BLOWS

the fall of the car industry is best seen in Detroit. The hundreds of empty, decaying factories & buildings stand as monuments of a once internationally respected city. What's even more infuriating is that the second you go over the border you notice a great economic shift. The roads are nicer, the buildings aren't desolate, people are roaming the streets.. Even the air is different. 2,286 meters distance away... (canada is rubbing off on me,... meters, tsk)

A lot has been going on lately. I'm on my family trip now. It's been good in the sence that it hasn't been bad. I've enjoyed the time with my family although I have to admit, I spend a lot of time reading & listening to audiobooks but still, It's not every day or even every week that I see my Whole family together in one place. Getting here was a bit of a chore. we were following the gps & we get to detroit... but somehow we made our way from detroit, past toledo, halfway to clevland. I was SO pissed but we eventually made our way back. Like I said earlier, detroit is in a sorry state. It really is interesting crossing the boarder & seeing such a radical difference. I hear the bordertowns economy was greatly affected by the economical turmoil detroit has been going through beause everything is cheaper in america so they came over to buy a lot of their goods from us, but you don't see it driving down the main streets.

one thing spending all this time with my family has opened my eyes to is this fact. My brother is a goat. I love him & I think at heart he's a good kid, but the teenage years of rebellion & mischief are hitting him hard. It's interesting watching him battle each of us in turn. It's a shame really, I see so much potential.. he's intelligent, hard working, independent, deliberate, resilient.. but slightly evil. his manipulation tactics are a work of art. I anxiously await to see the man he'll become..

I think I've outlined most of my schedule for this upcoming semester...

Class

Foundations of Biology MTWThF 12:30pm - 1:20pm

bio Lab --------------------- T 2:00pm - 4:45pm

General Chemestry ---- MTWTh 9:30am - 10:20am

G. Chem Lab ------------- M 2:30pm - 5:20pm

Genetics ------------------- MWF 10:30am - 11:20am

Genetics Lab ------------- W 6:30pm - 9:20pm

Materialism & Idealism MW 2:00pm - 3:15pm

Medical Terminology Th 3:00pm - 5:00

Tutor

calc - once a week?

Bible Study

?

Study

?

Research

?

Football

Monday, Tuesday & Thursday

After 5:30

Work

Friday 2:00pm - 6:00pm // midnight - 4am

Sunday 10:00am - 5:00am

Making it was fun cus I looked at each class in turn but after I finished the rough draft it hit me..

I have a Crap load of work to do/learn next semester. If people don't see me as often understand that I'm probably battling for control, attempting to show Andrews that I wear the pants in our twisted relationship...

I know I'm all over the place.. but i realized that this is mostly for me, so you'll all just have to deal with it =P

Racial prejudice has been on my mind a lot lately. I often say the phrase, "I hate black people". yes, it's in a joking manner but there has always been a layer of truth to that statement. I hate the stereotype that is so often perceived, lazy, ignorant, uneducated.. I've been slapped in the face with the realization that by me saying I hate black people has only added fuel to the flame that is Racism. That's why I'm making this declaration here, so that all who read this & know me can hold me accountable.. The declaration is this, - I will fight Racial discrimination first by actively & intentionally monitoring myself & the way I treat the people around me, be then black, white, yellow, green.. even Guatemalan. - I'm done adding onto the mental chains we put on each other.

It's been a long day so I'm going to go & sleep... after I finish one of the books I'm in.

Farewell all.

what's nexT?

The people who know me know the relationship tribulations I've been dealing with lately (romantically). I just have to say.. sometimes the most difficult situations become simple when control is shifted to your own hands.

Boateng for the win.

Watching your team play no matter what sport is always a highly emotional experience. Watching your COUNTRY play... Nationalism comes into play.. Pride for your country, for your people. SO TO WATCH YOUR TEAM LOSE A GAME THAT WAS IN THEIR HANDS!!! Needless to say, I hate Uruguay. To be honest, I hate South America.. so.. Let's go Germany! At least if they win the cup will still go to a Ghanaian.

Armageddon

I just watched Armageddon on a whim... There are some old movies that don't actually age.. Shawshank Redemption is a movie that comes to mind that came out during the same era.

The scene with Bruce Willis in the end when he sacrifices himself to safe the planet is one of the great scenes in movie history... but it makes you think about life & death & the wonderment that is wrapped around both. There are SO many beautiful things in the universe. One of the most awe-inspiring scenes I've ever scene is the earth rise footage. To go up in space & look down at the world... anomaly

With only 19 years under my belt death seams more like an anomaly. I've only truly experience death once, when Uncle Brian passed early this year. The business of school helped me "coupe" with the loss, but earlier this week I was going through pictures on my computer & came across a batch of him with my brother & sister. It caught me off guard. Emotions i thought i buried came rushing out & tears started streaming down my face. Even writing about the experience makes my eyes water. Looking back I don't think I had time to sort things out.. so that baggage is still hanging over my head... It's scary thinking about growing older, not because of the aging process but because you are bound to run into death again.. blaah.

failed post

I just wrote a long posting about not having power & how being disconnected from the world is good every now & then.. But I clicked the back button on my phone & went to a different page without sending. Sometimes I hate technology.